Friday, September 23, 2011

Can we say "panic"?

Here is a list of precisely what to do when your toddler loses his "bankee" on you bike ride home:

1. Panic. There is no other natural reaction than to assume your life is over. Melodrama is the only way to go here.

2. Fire a million questions to your two year old as if he understands every word. Say things like, "where's your bankee, did you drop it?" and "how could you do that? Where did you drop it? Tell mommy now!" and then try to remain calm when your two-year-old answers back with a blank stare.

3. Pedal as fast as you can in NEARLY the same route you came from being sure to make only the slightest variation in your route back to the bike path.

4. Hold back tears and constantly think about how life as you know it is over. Start trying to think of all the ways to explain to your toddler that his beloved bankee is gone forever.

5. Understand that this panic results in a momentary loss in sanity and start talking to yourself loudly as you pedal faster. Luckily your zooming by everyone too quickly to notice the stares. How you will find the blanket going at this pace is a question for a day when you are more calm.

6. Be thankful that you noticed when he had it last to avoid the need to head back through town. This would be an exceptional challenge considering you just spent the previous hour lost in town and have no clue where you were.

7. When you get to the point where you last saw the blanket send a text message to your husband to explain why you would be drinking copious amounts of wine and then slip the phone into your pocket and ride home so you can't hear the phone ring half a dozen times.

8. Try to get comfortable with the idea that the blanket is lost and be sure to tell this to your toddler. They especially understand you when you say, "it's gone. Your bankee is lost for good. We're never going to see it again…" and hope they have guidance online to instruct you on how to live in this unfair world when your toddler has lost the only thing he decided at an early age he cannot live without.

9. Be sure that on the ride back you follow precisely the same route you took earlier instead of the slight deviation in route you took in your panic stricken state when you began your search.

10. After succumbing to the idea that it's lost and explaining this to your toddler eliciting the response, "no, mommy, no, no, no, mommy," cry uncontrollably when you see it lying in the road. Smile so big your cheeks hurt when your toddler sweetly says, "mommy found it!" and agree quickly with your mom that it is now time to train the toddler to leave the bankee in his bed. A task to tackle next week when your heart rate finally slows back to normal. Also, remember to call the husband back.

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