The Power of a Book

Have you ever read a book that completely consumes you? From the first page, you struggle to put it down and find yourself hanging onto every word? I'm not usually that person. I love to read, but I've never had trouble putting a good book aside. Until I picked up our book club book for the month, "The Art of Racing in the Rain," by Garth Stein. I completely and utterly devoured this book. I felt as though I couldn't breath until I finished it consuming the words as they flew across the page.

When I started the book, I wasn't sure I'd be able to read it. I won't give anything away because I want others to enjoy this amazing literature as much as I did. The story is told through the eyes of a dog as he goes through all of life's obstacles with his "master." I knew it would be difficult. The same way that reading "Marlo and Me", as fun of a book as it was, could only lead to tears because that's what those books always do. I was barely through the first chapter of "The Art of Racing in the Rain" and I was already crying...

Losing Rani was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. And it still is. In some oddly human way, you almost feel guilty mourning an animal so deeply. Within the span of a month after Rani died, we lost a close family member and my sister lost a good friend. It seemed wrong to be so overwhelmed with the death of an animal, so I pushed it aside. This past week has been hard again though for reasons I'm not sure I could explain.

After fighting through the initial tears, I allowed myself to get lost in this book. I made myself go to sleep knowing I would be dreaming about it all throughout the night. Somehow this morning I was able to finish it - all 400+ pages of it. I read it while we played with cars and trains, while we ate our snack and drank our tea on the porch, while little r was a chef preparing me pretzels and sausages... The book made me feel Rani with my every being. It was amazing. The writing was incredible and the words were empowering and courageous. Through the pages I started to understand why losing a dog is sometimes harder than losing a friend.

The final chapters left tears streaming down my face. I walked back inside from the porch and I felt like I had to get out. It's a beautiful day, and I hadn't gone for a walk in what felt like ages. Since kindergarten has been on break and the temperatures have been crazy hot, I hadn't taken to the trails in awhile. I missed having my furry walking companion. That companion that always assured I got the fresh air I needed and walked the trails whether rain or shine. Even when I didn't want to, she knew I needed it.

So I put my shoes on and told little r to come for a walk with me. When my toes hit the trail, I started balling. I couldn't hold it back. The tears flowed and my breathing sobbed. I decided to let it all out. Crying is healing and I knew I needed the release. Little r put his sweet hand in mine and walked up the path to the hill all the while he was telling me about how Rani was going to come back next weekend and play in the field. Sometimes as a parent you can find the willpower to say all the right things in these sorts of situations, and other times you just nod your head and say, "ok."

When we got up to the field, I told little r that I missed Rani so much. He just smiled at me and gave me the sweetest hug and held me tight. Then we walked the rest of the trail back home and talked about the wind blowing in the corn fields and picked apples from a tree.

It is a beautiful day. The power of a book can be amazing, don't you think? If you are a dog-lover, this is a must-read. You will thank me for recommending it to you later...

 

 

 

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Rest In Peace my sweet Rani-girl

Dogs Leave Paw Prints On Your Heart

We had to say goodbye to our beautiful girl this week.  I have lost many furry four-leggeds in my life, but this  time is somehow different.  Rani was not just a dog, she was our best friend, loyal companion, baby-sitter, hiking buddy, running partner, and all-around best pal.  She found my heart when she was a mere six weeks old, and that love grew to insurmountable levels as we tackled life's trials and tribulations.  I am not one to sit still, and Rani was always loving and willing as long as we did the adventures together.  From Colorado to California to Vermont, through two broken hearts, four cats, three marathons, and a life-changing career move to law school.  She flew on four planes before she was two years old, and in her thirteen years, she moved with me more than a dozen times.  I think she was better at adapting to change than I was...

Most importantly though, Rani-girl found Big R. It's true, she is the one that found him and brought him to me. Big R always joked that "he married me for the dog," and although I, of course, knew that was a sweet expression, I also knew that he loved her as much as I did and almost as much as Rani loved him.

Our adventures continued and she was always there making me a better person, teaching me patience, and most importantly, providing me with unconditional love. Big R and I started our legal careers and let the Army move us from Maryland to Virginia, and then over the pond to Germany. She kept Big R company when we lived apart that first year, and then found a new best friend when little r was born. I think her most courageous act was helping Big R adjust to this foreign place when little r and I stayed in Virginia (or being my sister's therapy dog when she was going through so much pain in her life). She kept him company and walked miles and miles of trails to help him feel comfortable in Germany and find his way.

Rani-girl had a knack for finding your heart and helping you build the strength you needed to get through whatever life was throwing at you. I don't think I am exaggerating when I say that she left her warm paw print on so many hearts throughout her lifetime. She always remembered you, and greeted you with enthusiasm as if you were the most important person in the world.

Her final days were hard, for her and for us. The cancer moved into her lungs and wreaked havoc there until her heart finally couldn't hold out anymore. We thought she had a stroke last week, but we now know it was a heart attack, which is why she couldn't recover despite her will to stay with us. She tried so hard to be strong and we believe she waited until we returned from our trip back to the States to give in. The x-rays showed that her heart was about four times its normal size. Big R claims her heart was already larger than normal anyhow, and I think he was right. The poor girl was struggling to breathe and could no longer walk on her own, her appetite was gone, and we could see that she was disappearing before our eyes. She died quickly and peacefully in Big R's lap and with me by her side kissing her nose. After we said our good-bye's, we left the veterinary clinic and saw a beautiful rainbow fill the sky.

Rani's Rainbow... :)

I never let myself realize how much Rani was integrated into our lives until she was gone. I am not sure if I will ever overcome the grief from her loss, but I believe I will instead learn to live with the happiness her memories bring. Big R assured me it will get easier with time, and soon the sweet things that little r says about Rani will not make me cry, but will instead melt my heart.

 
I am thankful that Rani stayed strong and healthy for our move to Germany where she was able to hike the Cinque Terra and sled with us in the Alps. She fit in nicely here, and we'd like to believe she thought this was a pretty fabulous place to retire. Her relationship with little r grew strong here through our family walks and little adventures and all our excursions to and from kindergarten. I hope he always holds a small place in his heart for those memories with his best pal.

Oh, my sweet, sweet Rani-girl, how much you'll be missed. You made me a better person and you were part of so many lives. This is not a good-bye forever, but is instead farewell until later, my old friend. You will live in our hearts for an eternity.

Hanging on

This has been an emotionally tasking week for us. Despite the many fun adventures we've had lately, my motivation to write has been low. Our sweet Rani-dog hasn't been doing well, and that can really kick you where it hurts.

The night before my sister left, Rani had a stroke and went into severe shock. Not that watching her go through that wasn't difficult enough, but it happened at 10:30 p.m. Trying to find a vet that can help at that hour is tough; finding one that can help at that hour in a country where the language spoken is not your own is more than mildly overwhelming. Lucky for us we have the greatest neighbors and best friends living in our building. A knock at the door in tears was all that was needed.

Our girl has been through it all with us, and we are going to be there for her up to the very end. Send strong vibes and good karma this way for our sweet girl.

I'll be back soon - promise...

The Four-Leggeds

I spend an awful lot of time blaming my toddler for my sleep deprivation, and that's not entirely fair. The truth of the matter is that he has partners in crime that assist him in this task and they are all exceptionally good at it. Lately it has been getting a tad bit ridiculous. I have four kids, five if I count Big R, and they all have it out for me. Seriously, if one of them is having a good night, then another is determined to disrupt my restful slumber multiple times throughout the night.

Our biggest problem child the past couple of weeks has been Lucy. Rani has her moments, and Sarge is always waking me up at least twice a night to go outside (and then come back in again), but Lucy has taken the big prize for keeping us both awake all night for...Oh land, I have no idea how long we've let this go on, but it's been TOO long, we'll just put it that way.

What's her deal? Well, aside from the fact that she's just a "special" cat, she has some extremely irritating "things." Her litter box visits are probably our favorite of her habits - I had no clue a cat could make THAT much noise using the can. It's truly a sight to be "heard." Lately she has gotten territorial at night. Probably because until we started inviting her to sleep with us at night about a month or so ago, Sarge would give her the stink eye and beat her up until she stayed far away from us. Now she thinks she owns the place, or at least she wants us to think that she does. Hardly, but nice try anyways, Lucy.

As soon as Sarge goes outside during the night, Lucy scratches on the glass door like a maniac. It's the most annoying sound EVER at 3 a.m. We got creative and blocked the door, we've used water bottles and thrown pillows at her, the little fuzzball is just too determined for her own good. Next best thing - just lock the brats out. And that's exactly what we did. She's a cuddly orange fur-ball to sleep with, but we're seriously losing our sanity. How do we let our four-leggeds always get the best of us? We are the biggest suckers, we know.

So, as soon as she started doing her scratching dance last night, we helped her exit the room; Sarge, too. Funny, but that was the first full night of uninterrupted sleep I've had in months. When my alarm went off I was annoyed that I was getting a phone call in the middle of the night. Haha, right, who calls me?!

The goal is to try NOT to let the fuzzy creatures own the place. It's tough though. They show their teeth, but more than that, they are just too darned cute most of the time. I'm hoping there are many more uninterrupted nights in my near future. Sorry, kittens, but the big people need to sleep...

Rani-dog update

After the surgery to remove that nasty oral tumor (here is my blog post about this), Rani has been like a new dog.  She has been back to her old self. Guess it is obvious how uncomfortable the poor girl really was.

Despite the fact that Rani has her spunk back, I have still been pretty concerned about what the results from the biopsy will say. It's important for me to know if my old girl is dealing with cancerous tumor or just an annoying growth. The Easter holiday delayed results a bit, but I finally got to speak with the vet.

I have been fully expecting the results to be benign. As soon as we picked her up from her surgery, I have been incredibly optimistic.  She has been doing really well with no signs of any issues or discomfort. When I told the vet how well she has been doing, his response was, "that is good because the results are not good. She has a very bad cancer." Yeah, no sugar-coating with the language barrier.

My heart stopped for a second and I felt my palms get sweaty, then he explained to me why things were probably going to be ok - at least for awhile. The cancer that she has is nasty, but it's localized and it tends not to spread to other parts of her body. The bad news is that it is probably deeply rooted and therefore difficult to fully remove without an invasive procedure. One that he would not recommend nor perform on his dog, and one that seems highly unnecessary to me if she is doing so well. On the brighter side, this type of cancer tends to be slow growing, and Rani responded so well to the removal of the tumor this last time that we should be able to do it again with hopefully similar results.

What does this all mean? It means my girl is likely to be around for quite awhile (she is still promising me at least five more years), and hopefully any of the negative effects from the cancer will be put at bay for a long time.

Happy day :)


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My sweet Rani-girl

We had a little bit of a scare here this past week with regard to our most important furry family member. When we got home from our last trip, we noticed that a tumor had grown inside Rani's mouth. It was large - large enough that she was able to bite it - and infected and downright scary looking. Rani was otherwise acting normal, so it was hard to believe something so horrible was going in her mouth.

Being in a foreign country added a layer of anxiety to the situation that I had to prepare myself for. Turns out I had nothing to be afraid of. The vet, or Tierartzpraxis, that we took Rani to for her passport last year, got Rani in right away for an appointment.

When I took Rani to the vet last week, I somehow managed to hold my emotions together during the appointment only to completely lose it once I got out of the vet office and within the safe and somewhat private confines of my car. Rani is my baby - we've been through so much together - and even though I have been telling myself that she's an old girl and I need to prepare for things like this to happen, I'm not sure I will ever be ready to say good-bye to her.

The Tierartz did not appear optimistic. The vet knew just enough English to convey the important information to me, but there was very little, if any, sugar coating. Rani was so frightened in the exam room and the nature of the tumor was in bad shape, so the prognosis was grim. Most likely cancer, and since she's been coughing for a couple months, the vet feared it had already started to spread. The vet also told me that oral tumors tend to grow quickly, so removing it could mean only a mild reprieve before we are dealing with it again. She was also concerned that the tumor was originating in Rani's jaw meaning complete removal of the tumor would be incredible invasive and she didn't recommend it.

When we got news that Rani's bloods were stable enough for surgery, we decided to go ahead and try to have it removed and biopsied. This seemed like the best decision and made the most sense. Hopefully it won't grow back too quickly, and then she will at least be more comfortable. That way we could also get a confirmation as to whether or not we are dealing with cancer.

The surgery was this morning and I was a nervous and anxious mess. This whole process has had me out of my element with constant worry and concern. It was really interesting to see how differently they do things here in Germany. Unlike in the U.S. the vet doesn't really hide anything. They do everything in the exam room right in front of you. At one point I could swear the vet would have allowed us to stay and watch the whole thing (not likely, but he was certainly letting us stick around far longer than any other vet has allowed).

The procedure was quick and apparently relatively painless. We were able to take her home within a couple hours of the procedure. The optimistic look in the vet's face told us everything. It was no where near as bad as we had feared! The tumor seemed to be attached only at the skin, so he believes he was able to remove it all. YES! Such sweet news!

The tumor has been sent to the lab with results coming to us early next week as to whether or not the mass is benign. I'm feeling more and more like we'll get excellent results and my sweet girl will be around for another 5+ years :)

 

She's looking a little groggy here, but in pretty darn good shape considering she just had surgery (did I mention that she's 13 years old!!!???).p.s. Just another quick note about veterinary care here in Germany, it is so much more affordable! We paid a mere 170 EUR for the surgery and anesthesia, a dental, and the biopsy. Unbelievable.

 


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This mutt so totally owns me...

Rani and I have been together for quite awhile now.  We just crossed over the thirteenth year of our bond, to be exact.  To say we've been through a lot together is probably a mild understatement.  This puppy is my rock, my therapy, and my loyal companion.  Rani had flown on four flights before she was a year old.  Before she turned two, she had already lived in five different homes.  We went from a house with a huge backyard, to living in a series of apartments.  Needless to say, our walks became regular and necessary...for both of us. She trained for three marathons with me, hiked to the top of Mt. Mansfield, went swimming in the ocean both the Pacific AND the Atlantic, took a trip on a train and went hiking through the Cinque Terre, and soon she will join us for an adventure in the Austrian Alps - the kid has got some serious mojo.

All of this reflection is showing me how incredibly unstable my life has been.  One constant in my life has been her, and I know we have many adventures left to explore together.  Rani has clearly missed the memo that she's thirteen. Old age has hardly slowed her down, but it is making her just a tad bit senile.  I hate to accept her age because to me she will always be here.  Don't worry, she's not sick or dying or anything horrible like that.  Instead she has become nothing shy of a monster. Hahaha. Ok, now I'm clearly exaggerating, but she really is losing her mind.  I'm convinced that she has decided she is in the last of her years so she's tired of listening to what people want her to do and she's ready to just be free.

In the last couple of months my well-behaved and sweet little mutt has gone crazy.  She begs like I starve her (and believe me, I feed her like a queen), and growls at me throughout the day when she thinks I need to be giving her more attention.  It works, I will surely admit that!  She poops whenever and wherever she darn well pleases, including in her sleep (ok, she can't help that one).  If we don't properly secure the trash, or close doors, she tears into them like she's having a party.  Now that is one thing I would love to be a fly on the wall to watch, can you imagine what that must look like?  Pure craziness...

We are relatively certain she can no longer hear well, and I think she believes that means we can't hear OR see her either.  Walking her on a leash is a challenge and letting her off-leash these days is a ticket for disaster.  We have a very busy street that runs before our house, and I always thought she would at least be shy of the cars.  Never before have I had to worry that she would be dumb enough to run out in front of a car because she was terrified of them.  She would force me to walk on sidewalks to get us out of the middle of the street.  Not anymore.  The other day little r and I took her on her favorite walk where we let her romp in a large open field where she can let loose.  Rani decided she wasn't in the mood and little r was just taking a  little too long for her taste.  So, she bolted. Ran straight for home.  She had done this before to a certain degree, but she would usually wait.  It became a game. She refused to get within 50 feet of me.  Lovely.  I just kept bracing myself for something horrible to happen, and then, it almost did... An elderly woman was walking down the sidewalk and Rani couldn't contain herself, she had to say, "hello," to this lady.  When the woman was clearly disinterested in humoring her, she decided to cross the street and go home.  A BMW came screeching to a halt!  Instead of cowering and running up to our apartment, she just stood there and looked at the driver.  Seriously, just stood there. It was almost as if she was waiting for the guy to get out of the car and greet her.  Totally bizarre.  The driver had to GO AROUND her. No, I am not kidding.

At this point I am running, toddler in hand, as fast as I can through the snow.  It was not a pretty picture.  I was doing all I could to not cry.  I kept saying to myself, "I can't believe she's doing this. You stupid dog, you are going to get yourself hurt."  It's at moments like these that you realize you are in the company of a toddler.  Little r started repeating me. In fact, he still, now almost two weeks later, will say, "Rani hurt car." The decision has been made; Rani has lost her off-leash privileges, at least for now.  

It might be true that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you should be able to gently remind them that they know how to behave.  At least, one can only hope. So that is what I'm going to do.  I'm hoping that she is also craving a little structure in her life.  Little r and I aren't the only ones in this house that could use a little regularity.  It's funny, but I'm already seeing a vast improvement in her mood in just the past few days of taking little r to and from kindergarten at a set time each day.

Regardless, the mutt still manages to win my heart.  She gets a full snugglefest every night and we have even started playing with her toys again.  I'm a sucker and she knows how to aim right for my heart.  I love you, Rani-dog, even if you are a crazy little mutt.