Everyone warns you about the terrible twos. Your children become monsters and life seems impossible. That's what they say. What those same people forget to tell you though is that three is a whole new ball game. My SAHM status has entered an entirely new level of challenge these past few months, and I'm finding myself extremely lost and searching for answers.
Sometimes having a Type A personality can really frustrate your life. Going with the flow feels difficult because you want to overanalyze everything. At least that's how it seems to always work with me. My sole purpose in life, my one job, is to be a mother and take care of my family. That's my job, and I have felt lately as though I'm failing miserably at this task.
Big R and I noticed that things have felt off-kilter. No one was sleeping well, and you could sense that we were all a tad bit upside down. After some thought, we realized that for about six months straight we traveled somewhere literally every two weeks. Don't get me wrong, the travels have been incredible and we have been able to see so much. But traveling can really wear you down. The routine is in a constant mode of disruption. Sleep cycles are interrupted, eating habits are askew, and expectations that you normally receive from a consistent schedule are nonexistent. No matter who you are, this can create internal unrest. We could feel it in little r for sure, and the more we thought about what was driving our sleep and moods lately, we realized that we were just as effected as our toddler - we just have a different way of expressing our stress (obviously).
Now that we have had some time to rest, we've nestled into our routines, and when that two week window passed, we all started to feel better that our schedule was staying consistent (well, hospital stays aside that is). Despite this establishment of a good routine, I was still feeling huge changes in little r's personality. I've been exhausted. On good days, I'm smiling all day long, but bad days were leaving me drained.
I have to confess that I never saw myself being a SAHM. Never did I judge anyone that chose to stay home, believe me, I know that it is a challenge. It was just something I didn't ever anticipate. As much as I adore children, especially my little r, I seem to be missing that mom-gene that desires constant play. My child is active and naptime is now nonexistent, which means from lunchtime until bedtime it's just me and little r tackling the world. Sometimes these days feel like one constant struggle making me feel as if I'm a drill sergeant constantly screaming orders. Yes, I have been feeling so lost - I hate who I am when I'm like this. No one is happy. But what have I been doing wrong? Why does being a good mother have to be so hard?
One day I decided to step back and watch little r more closely. I've known for awhile that he's a little different than other kids, but not in a medical way necessarily. I just know that his temperament is different. He's hard-headed, incredibly perceptive, super sensitive to things, and his activity level is off the charts and has been since he was an infant. Big R and I envy our friends that can place their babies on a blanket with a few toys and walk away. Even before little r started crawling at six months, we never witnessed him be still for any moment of time. There is too much to see in the world and we were not going to stop him.
After talking casually with a few friends, it dawned on me that little r might be what has been referred to as a "spirited" child. Spirited children have personality traits that make incredible adults, but they can be an exhaustive challenge as a toddler. Accepting this, I started to see things differently. It's as if I just needed an answer so that I could better understand how to be a good mother to little r. I didn't want to be a drill sergeant anymore, and I was done feeling like my life was spiraling out of control.
My friend lent a book to me called "Raising your spirited child" and I ordered a couple other books to read as well. I wanted to better understand how my child's mind works. I needed to be able to perceive his triggers and be more sensitive to how he reacts to the world. In reading about spirited children, I've also learned so many things about myself. I've realized that my temperament and personality traits don't necessarily mesh well with several of his. Not only that, but the spirited child has extreme parts of his personality that I might not understand because I don't feel the same way.
LIttle r is far more perceptive than I am. I wish often that I could see the world the way he does. He notices everything. He's very much like his father in that way. I do have an extreme energy level though. Although my mom tries to convince me I was a dream as a child, I have a feeling I was far more active than others, and I know I was certainly more active than my sister. My ability to sit still to read a book or listen to a long lecture without fidgeting is lacking, and when I do take quiet time for myself, the guilt sets in quickly. I suppose I always feel like I'm missing something or maybe just missing out, either way, I can much better relate to that side of little r's personality.
I'm hoping that educating myself a bit more about how little r's mind works and how he perceives his world will leave us less angry with each other and keep our lives in a more constant calm. I've been surprised to find out that my motherly instinct has not lead me astray in all aspects of working with little r, and I have actually handled my approach to his maniacal temperament in ways authors of these books recommend. But I have also been able to identify where I have gone wrong. It's going to be difficult to tackle these challenges because it'll be fighting my own temperament and personality traits in a way to restore order in my house. Hopefully though, we will be able to find some balance that'll make the challenges a little less exhausting.
Showing posts with label SAHM. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SAHM. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
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Thursday, August 16, 2012
A good day for yoga daydreaming...
It's a warm summer day here in Bavaria - a perfect day for daydreaming and doing yoga (or perhaps a little bit of both). Around the time we moved to Germany last year and I became a full-time mom, I started using yoga to release the stress that comes with daily life and help me feel a bit more grounded in heart and mind. I try to practice daily, although some weeks are definitely better than others. With a mere 20 minutes a day I find I am able to moderate my sanity.
Doing yoga with some regularity has also greatly benefited my practice. I'm much stronger now and less afraid to try challenging poses. I have a better understanding of what I'm capable of and how to make the poses really work for me so I'm enjoying my practice instead of focusing on how tired my body is staying in one pose for too long.
After I attended a few yoga workshops with my friend, K, back in May, I started trying to take my yoga practice to a new level. During those workshops I managed to get into yoga poses I never in a million years thought I'd ever be able to do. It was motivating and invigorating for my yoga practice.
I owe the Internet for allowing me to do yoga nearly every day. Although I'm still a regular user of yogadownload, I also became a member of My Yoga Online (another one of K's influences), where I can choose a class from the site's vast database for any length of time at pretty much any level and stream it directly to my iPad from the internet. Several weeks ago, the yoga class that K teaches at the gym on post had to be cancelled, so we made arrangements to do a fun advanced class together from My Yoga Online. The class was so incredibly challenging, and it was fun to try the advanced moves with a friend. It was somehow more fun to laugh at myself with company.
I was completely taken aback at some of the poses I was able to do (and equally as complacent with those crazy poses I knew would take some serious time). At one point I went from crow pose, into headstand, and then back into crow. Crazy! Obviously you need to be strong enough to do these poses, but what I'm realizing is that you mostly just need to be willing to try them. I remember taking yoga classes and practically ignoring my instructor when she would say, "just see what you can do and try to get into the pose." The poses seemed far too difficult and I always accepted that I was anything but flexible. Denial was easy, failure was not.
So, what am I dreaming about now that I have this newfound way of approaching my yoga practice? Eventually I would really like to get my yoga certification to start teaching, but right now I'm daydreaming about finding a yoga retreat to lose myself in and take my yoga to another level. It sounds so amazing to me to spend a week at a resort doing nothing but practicing yoga, meditating, and eating healthy food. Am I a weirdo that this sounds like heaven to me?
There is a beautiful retreat I recently came across set in Mexico just south of Cancun. The yoga at the retreat is being taught by Gina Caputo, who was one of the instructors I was introduced to at a yoga workshop in May. She was amazing, and I would do anything to be able to take a workshop from her again.
The retreat is called the Winter Solstice Yoga Retreat in Tulum, Mexico. You spend one full week at the beautiful Amasala Resort on the Mexican Riviera. How amazing would that be?! Mexico is not exactly a destination on our map right now, but I would love to find something like this nearby. Can you imagine spending a week on the ocean doing yoga twice a day with two amazing instructors that challenge you, like Gina Caputo, eating nothing but incredible food that is good for you, and relaxing? That is something worth daydreaming about... Ahhhhhhh...
What do you daydream about on beautiful summer days?
Doing yoga with some regularity has also greatly benefited my practice. I'm much stronger now and less afraid to try challenging poses. I have a better understanding of what I'm capable of and how to make the poses really work for me so I'm enjoying my practice instead of focusing on how tired my body is staying in one pose for too long.
After I attended a few yoga workshops with my friend, K, back in May, I started trying to take my yoga practice to a new level. During those workshops I managed to get into yoga poses I never in a million years thought I'd ever be able to do. It was motivating and invigorating for my yoga practice.
I owe the Internet for allowing me to do yoga nearly every day. Although I'm still a regular user of yogadownload, I also became a member of My Yoga Online (another one of K's influences), where I can choose a class from the site's vast database for any length of time at pretty much any level and stream it directly to my iPad from the internet. Several weeks ago, the yoga class that K teaches at the gym on post had to be cancelled, so we made arrangements to do a fun advanced class together from My Yoga Online. The class was so incredibly challenging, and it was fun to try the advanced moves with a friend. It was somehow more fun to laugh at myself with company.
I was completely taken aback at some of the poses I was able to do (and equally as complacent with those crazy poses I knew would take some serious time). At one point I went from crow pose, into headstand, and then back into crow. Crazy! Obviously you need to be strong enough to do these poses, but what I'm realizing is that you mostly just need to be willing to try them. I remember taking yoga classes and practically ignoring my instructor when she would say, "just see what you can do and try to get into the pose." The poses seemed far too difficult and I always accepted that I was anything but flexible. Denial was easy, failure was not.
So, what am I dreaming about now that I have this newfound way of approaching my yoga practice? Eventually I would really like to get my yoga certification to start teaching, but right now I'm daydreaming about finding a yoga retreat to lose myself in and take my yoga to another level. It sounds so amazing to me to spend a week at a resort doing nothing but practicing yoga, meditating, and eating healthy food. Am I a weirdo that this sounds like heaven to me?
There is a beautiful retreat I recently came across set in Mexico just south of Cancun. The yoga at the retreat is being taught by Gina Caputo, who was one of the instructors I was introduced to at a yoga workshop in May. She was amazing, and I would do anything to be able to take a workshop from her again.
The retreat is called the Winter Solstice Yoga Retreat in Tulum, Mexico. You spend one full week at the beautiful Amasala Resort on the Mexican Riviera. How amazing would that be?! Mexico is not exactly a destination on our map right now, but I would love to find something like this nearby. Can you imagine spending a week on the ocean doing yoga twice a day with two amazing instructors that challenge you, like Gina Caputo, eating nothing but incredible food that is good for you, and relaxing? That is something worth daydreaming about... Ahhhhhhh...
What do you daydream about on beautiful summer days?
Friday, August 3, 2012
Conquering Guilt and Being Present
One thing society can never prepare mothers for is the overwhelming feeling of guilt. I am convinced that this is embedded in us during our pregnancies or it's a spell that takes control that first time you look into your child's eyes. However it gets there, it becomes all-consuming, and I am yet to find a mother that doesn't express some level of guilt.
Last month I admitted in a post that I am far from devoid of this feeling as well. Either it's a heightened sensitivity to the subject because of where I am in my life or it's a topic getting much more attention these days, but I have noticed more articles and numerous conversations with friends about guilt and motherhood judgments lately. Not only are we all experiencing this unfortunate emotion, we are also finding a release from talking about it as well.
I have no doubt that being a mother has had its challenges through time. However, I feel as though we are living in an exceptionally judgmental time to be a mother, and it's extremely unfortunate. It's difficult enough to overcome these emotions without the added pressures society places on us. When little r was born, I can remember having conversations with my mom about all the rules there seem to be now for moms. She was appalled at all the pressures and expectations, and it was unnerving for her to watch how they took ahold of me when she remembered being a mother being natural and much less of an ordeal. I'm not even sure that we realize how bad this has gotten because it has become so accepted. The breastfeeding wars are just the surface of constant battles we contend with every day. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to let all that go.
Sadly, I have to admit that I was one of them. I judged. We all do, don't we? Society trains us to think a certain way about how children should be raised and taken care of. If you let your children watch too much tv, you are lazy and ruining your child's mind. If you feed your children frozen dinners, again you are lazy and filling your child with horrible food. Children must be on a schedule and are expected to sleep through the night at two months and you are judged if you don't have your child in bed at a decent hour. Potty training must be done before a child turns three.It's often a competition about which children read first or know another language. All these pressures are exhausting.
My judgments are over and have been since little r entered this world. Things became especially clear when little r became a toddler and all it's time-consuming challenges. What we need to do, and what I am trying hard to do, is to accept that you are your child's mother. No one knows or understands your child or your life situation the way you do. I suppose if you ask for advice, you are at the whim of opening yourself up for criticism, but otherwise, try hard to believe in yourself and your motherly instincts.
Also, making things easier for yourself doesn't necessarily mean they are bad. I was a full-time working mom when little r was four months old. As much as I wanted to make all his food from scratch, it took all I had to pump and breast feed him until he was seven months old. I surely wasn't also going to have the time to make all his food instead of buying it from the store in a pre-measured container that is easy to plop into his daycare bag. And frankly, sometimes you need a break for an hour and a friendly cartoon is a perfect answer, especially when your toddler refuses to nap.
Taking care of yourself should always be first on your list. When you are healthy and happy, it's much easier to take care of your family. This is difficult, or at least it was for me. As a SAHM, using any free time I have to go for a run or practice yoga was something I had to work on because it was time I was taking away from being "productive" and not "working" on advancing myself intellectually. And Lord forbid I should decide I need to take a nap. Sometimes this is just necessary, especially when your toddler hasn't slept well for weeks due to nightmares or illnesses. Being a SAHM might not require that you spend a day in the office. Instead, your home IS your office. A healthy mind still requires a good seven hours of sleep a day to function. Do you allow yourself to have this much rest? I know I struggle to get there, and that is something I definitely need to work on.
I asked Big R yesterday what he does in his office when he has a slow afternoon with no clients, no court appearances the following day, nothing due to the judge in the next hour... He does what I remember doing when I'd have a day of low productivity. We all have them. We do. We ALL have them. He takes a break, and organizes files or reads things on the internet. Searches the news and future travel ideas, writes emails... Gives himself a mental break so that he can be more productive when he needs to be. Honestly, I think there are many days that he wishes he could curl up on the couch in his office and just take a nap. Maybe this is why we feel guilty. The ones we love are working hard to support the family financially, and here we are napping. We forget that our jobs as SAHM's are to take care of the family emotionally and physically. In order to do this, we need to put ourselves first sometimes.
Putting yourself first means finding a way to get that run in during the day or practice yoga. It means not feeling guilty for having your child in daycare or kindergarten for a few hours a day even when you aren't working, or using a babysitter for date night so you can enjoy your marriage.
This brings me to my final reflection... As a mom, I want to teach myself to release the guilt and start letting myself live in the present. You only get to live once, and your children grow quickly before your eyes. Although the early ages (and from what I hear, often the latter ages, as well) can be frustrating and tiring, it is also rewarding. Last night Big R got up to get a glass of water around 2 a.m. He noticed that the light was on in little r's room. At some point after we put him to bed, he turned on his light, opened up his rollo (this is a metal window covering you raise and lower with a rope on the side of the window - not an easy feat for a two year old), and got out his crayons and coloring books. He fell asleep on his rug clutching his dankee with his butt high up in the air. Who knows how long he was sleeping this way or when he woke himself up to play. Instead of being frustrated that he didn't go to bed and stayed up playing, I found myself with a huge smile on my face and more disappointed that we didn't take a picture of this moment before Big R put him back to bed.
He is turning into a little boy right before our eyes. Little r is no longer a "baby". When did this happen?! I know one thing is for sure, I am not going to miss any of these moments. I want to be present for every experience. To watch him learn his boundaries even while he's pushing mine. I am learning that to understand this means I need to take good care of myself so that I am not trying to function with too little sleep or no exercise. That a weekly running date is productive for mind and body even if it consumes all of the free time in a day. That a girls' night out is necessary to rejuvenate, and planning a meal and making a beautiful dinner for your family is an amazing part of your "job".
It might take some time to get to that place where guilt is an emotion gone by the wayside and turning a blind-eye to judgments is a thing of the past. As soon as I allowed myself to look at situations differently and take better care of myself, I started to feel so much happier. We are living this amazing life in Germany, and I am determined to free myself of guilt and to truly allow myself to enjoy this experience with my family.
If you are a mother and you fight with guilt and judgment on a daily basis, I hope you find a way to let it all go as well. Guilt takes years off your life, and it's the important ones that are affected the most. The glass is half full, so let's fill it to the brim :)
Last month I admitted in a post that I am far from devoid of this feeling as well. Either it's a heightened sensitivity to the subject because of where I am in my life or it's a topic getting much more attention these days, but I have noticed more articles and numerous conversations with friends about guilt and motherhood judgments lately. Not only are we all experiencing this unfortunate emotion, we are also finding a release from talking about it as well.
I have no doubt that being a mother has had its challenges through time. However, I feel as though we are living in an exceptionally judgmental time to be a mother, and it's extremely unfortunate. It's difficult enough to overcome these emotions without the added pressures society places on us. When little r was born, I can remember having conversations with my mom about all the rules there seem to be now for moms. She was appalled at all the pressures and expectations, and it was unnerving for her to watch how they took ahold of me when she remembered being a mother being natural and much less of an ordeal. I'm not even sure that we realize how bad this has gotten because it has become so accepted. The breastfeeding wars are just the surface of constant battles we contend with every day. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to let all that go.
Sadly, I have to admit that I was one of them. I judged. We all do, don't we? Society trains us to think a certain way about how children should be raised and taken care of. If you let your children watch too much tv, you are lazy and ruining your child's mind. If you feed your children frozen dinners, again you are lazy and filling your child with horrible food. Children must be on a schedule and are expected to sleep through the night at two months and you are judged if you don't have your child in bed at a decent hour. Potty training must be done before a child turns three.It's often a competition about which children read first or know another language. All these pressures are exhausting.
My judgments are over and have been since little r entered this world. Things became especially clear when little r became a toddler and all it's time-consuming challenges. What we need to do, and what I am trying hard to do, is to accept that you are your child's mother. No one knows or understands your child or your life situation the way you do. I suppose if you ask for advice, you are at the whim of opening yourself up for criticism, but otherwise, try hard to believe in yourself and your motherly instincts.
Also, making things easier for yourself doesn't necessarily mean they are bad. I was a full-time working mom when little r was four months old. As much as I wanted to make all his food from scratch, it took all I had to pump and breast feed him until he was seven months old. I surely wasn't also going to have the time to make all his food instead of buying it from the store in a pre-measured container that is easy to plop into his daycare bag. And frankly, sometimes you need a break for an hour and a friendly cartoon is a perfect answer, especially when your toddler refuses to nap.
Taking care of yourself should always be first on your list. When you are healthy and happy, it's much easier to take care of your family. This is difficult, or at least it was for me. As a SAHM, using any free time I have to go for a run or practice yoga was something I had to work on because it was time I was taking away from being "productive" and not "working" on advancing myself intellectually. And Lord forbid I should decide I need to take a nap. Sometimes this is just necessary, especially when your toddler hasn't slept well for weeks due to nightmares or illnesses. Being a SAHM might not require that you spend a day in the office. Instead, your home IS your office. A healthy mind still requires a good seven hours of sleep a day to function. Do you allow yourself to have this much rest? I know I struggle to get there, and that is something I definitely need to work on.
I asked Big R yesterday what he does in his office when he has a slow afternoon with no clients, no court appearances the following day, nothing due to the judge in the next hour... He does what I remember doing when I'd have a day of low productivity. We all have them. We do. We ALL have them. He takes a break, and organizes files or reads things on the internet. Searches the news and future travel ideas, writes emails... Gives himself a mental break so that he can be more productive when he needs to be. Honestly, I think there are many days that he wishes he could curl up on the couch in his office and just take a nap. Maybe this is why we feel guilty. The ones we love are working hard to support the family financially, and here we are napping. We forget that our jobs as SAHM's are to take care of the family emotionally and physically. In order to do this, we need to put ourselves first sometimes.
Putting yourself first means finding a way to get that run in during the day or practice yoga. It means not feeling guilty for having your child in daycare or kindergarten for a few hours a day even when you aren't working, or using a babysitter for date night so you can enjoy your marriage.
This brings me to my final reflection... As a mom, I want to teach myself to release the guilt and start letting myself live in the present. You only get to live once, and your children grow quickly before your eyes. Although the early ages (and from what I hear, often the latter ages, as well) can be frustrating and tiring, it is also rewarding. Last night Big R got up to get a glass of water around 2 a.m. He noticed that the light was on in little r's room. At some point after we put him to bed, he turned on his light, opened up his rollo (this is a metal window covering you raise and lower with a rope on the side of the window - not an easy feat for a two year old), and got out his crayons and coloring books. He fell asleep on his rug clutching his dankee with his butt high up in the air. Who knows how long he was sleeping this way or when he woke himself up to play. Instead of being frustrated that he didn't go to bed and stayed up playing, I found myself with a huge smile on my face and more disappointed that we didn't take a picture of this moment before Big R put him back to bed.
He is turning into a little boy right before our eyes. Little r is no longer a "baby". When did this happen?! I know one thing is for sure, I am not going to miss any of these moments. I want to be present for every experience. To watch him learn his boundaries even while he's pushing mine. I am learning that to understand this means I need to take good care of myself so that I am not trying to function with too little sleep or no exercise. That a weekly running date is productive for mind and body even if it consumes all of the free time in a day. That a girls' night out is necessary to rejuvenate, and planning a meal and making a beautiful dinner for your family is an amazing part of your "job".
It might take some time to get to that place where guilt is an emotion gone by the wayside and turning a blind-eye to judgments is a thing of the past. As soon as I allowed myself to look at situations differently and take better care of myself, I started to feel so much happier. We are living this amazing life in Germany, and I am determined to free myself of guilt and to truly allow myself to enjoy this experience with my family.
If you are a mother and you fight with guilt and judgment on a daily basis, I hope you find a way to let it all go as well. Guilt takes years off your life, and it's the important ones that are affected the most. The glass is half full, so let's fill it to the brim :)
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Being a Mom Full-time
One year ago this week, I cleaned off my desk, packed up my case files and books, and left the legal world behind to follow Big R and our family for an overseas adventure. That means I have officially been what the media calls a SAHM, or Stay At Home Mom, for one entire, very adventurous, extremely challenging, and remarkably rewarding year. I honestly had no idea what I was walking into leaving the working world behind and succumbing myself to the every day needs of a toddler and running a household. It's also hard to believe a year has already passed...
As much as staying home with little r was appeasing, being unemployed for an indefinite amount of time was a terrifying prospect for me. I have always been work-driven. I took no time entering the world of employment as soon as the law said I was old enough. I worked all my summers during high school, full-time through college, and my transition into the world of 70-hour work weeks happened seemlessly as though it was my fate.
So here I found myself in this unusual place where my full-time job became taking care of my toddler, two cats, a dog, and of course, Big R as well. My family was my job. If you think about it, how much more rewarding could it possibly become? (The feminist in me is screaming at that question.) I have many a girlfriend, acquaintance, and friend of a friend that consciously made the decision to stay home when their children were young to leave a high powered career.
Then I met K who inspires me on a daily basis to enrich my life one step at a time. I'm not really sure where I would be today if I hadn't met her because she came into my life at a time when I really needed a friend with her personality and outlook on life to push me forward to keep the perspective facing the right direction. In the military world, it's not uncommon for a spouse to be unemployed, especially in her trained profession. And we were now, for better or worse, a military family. K has been invaluable at helping me stay focused on the positive side of this journey and not falling into the negativity that we can often find ourselves in.
I had high hopes of teaching. Before coming to Germany I had several interviews and really thought teaching would come to fruition, and maybe it will eventually, but not in the way I was headed last summer. Seeing that prospect dissolve, I decided I needed to find another means of staying tied to the legal community and started my legal blog. All of these ideas I had in my mind to better myself and push my career in a forward direction were much more overzealous than I had originally thought. Working pro bono is difficult without an already exisiting connection, legal writing is near impossible without access to a law library online or otherwise, and getting an advanced law degree here in Germany requires that my German be much more proficient. Ah, all these roadblocks I refuse to acknowledge, but nonetheless must accept...at least at this stage.
I suppose I focused on obtaining the baby steps of those goals with the hopes to maybe obtain them in the future. My legal blog allows me to write about legal issues without the necessity of case research from a law library. My German is getting better every day and I'm looking into taking a full immersion class this fall to push me toward bettering my proficiency, and maybe I'll finally reach out to the right person that has some pro bono work I could do from afar - you never know...
Instead, Big R and I began to realize that although I'm not working in my profession, in many ways, it's better financially for us to have me stay home while we're living overseas. It also frees up my time so that we can leave on a dime and travel without worrying about bosses or leave time, etc. And boy, have we LOVED all of our travel. Something else important that I have realized this past year is that I take much better care of my family when I take good care of myself. How many times do we say, "I just wish I had time to go for a good run or do yoga every day or read a book"? I know I said it endlessly, and now not only can I take the time, but I do.
Despite finding the right perspective and taking better care of myself, I have one constant challenge that I really need to work on: tackling the guilt. GUILT. What a horrible word. A friend of my says it'll take years off your life, and man, is she so very right. But I still feel it ALL THE TIME. It's horrible and stupid and something that I hope to push away. Where does this guilt come from? I'm sure I know, but I couldn't tell you if I tried. What I do know is that I base my daily worth on what I accomplish in my day. I rack up the points in my head as if it's some sick game that I'm playing with myself. I know this isn't healthy. I unnecessarily fill my life with busy-ness that gives me that horrible feeling of having no time and not enjoying the day-to-day awesomeness that life provides.
For example, the warm summer weather finally made its way back to Bavaria. This area is AMAZING when it's warm. All I wanted to do was sit on my porch with a cup of coffee and read a book. I had zero motivation to do little of anything else while little r was at kindergarten. Then after little r got home from school, we spent the afternoon at an outdoor swimming pool with friends. All this was happening while Big R was slaving away calling hostile witnesses for his next trial and preparing himself for depositions he has in the U.S. this weekend. Enjoying my day while Big R works so hard makes me feel guilty. Yes, this is a truly sick world we put ourselves into, and it's one I really need to change.
All that aside, this past year as a SAHM has allowed me to embrace the good things in life, especially being a mother. My respect goes out to all my other SAHM's because this job is no cup of tea. I would never trade back all the days I have spent with little r, but I know that my sanity has been tested numerous times and he continues to provide life with never-ending unpredictability.
It has also forced me to slow down and think outside the box as far as my career is concerned. This is the time in my life to be creative and try all those things I always thought I was interested in. It occurred to me awhile back that I didn't go to law school to practice law in the traditional sense in the first place. There were so many other reasons I put myself through that education. It was rewarding in many ways, so I'm trying not to overfocus on "not using it" and instead channel that focus into building myself into person that someone would want to hire to do the things I enjoy like consulting, advising, and writing. We'll see how that all goes when the time comes.
If I knew where life was going to take me perhaps I would have done things differently and maybe not picked a career that I was so sorry to leave behind, even if temporarily. But then again, it was life that took me on the course of obtaining my law degree and, of course, we cannot forget that I never would have met Big R if I hadn't decided that law was a career I wanted to pursue. No, I think the culmination of my life experiences have led me here and I believe that they will continue to take me to that place where I belong whether it's law or writing or teaching yoga or all of these things combined!
This past year has been a great year of reflection and growth for me. I might not be the financial hero of the household like Big R always thought I would be, but we are doing alright. He makes enough that we have a comfortable life and with a wife that doesn't have the stress of an overpowering job like his, we are able to keep balanced to enjoy our vacations and the few evenings we have together here in Bavaria. I think the universe knows what its doing. I'm going to try harder to trust it and myself. We have an awful lot of life left and I can't wait see where it takes us...
As much as staying home with little r was appeasing, being unemployed for an indefinite amount of time was a terrifying prospect for me. I have always been work-driven. I took no time entering the world of employment as soon as the law said I was old enough. I worked all my summers during high school, full-time through college, and my transition into the world of 70-hour work weeks happened seemlessly as though it was my fate.
So here I found myself in this unusual place where my full-time job became taking care of my toddler, two cats, a dog, and of course, Big R as well. My family was my job. If you think about it, how much more rewarding could it possibly become? (The feminist in me is screaming at that question.) I have many a girlfriend, acquaintance, and friend of a friend that consciously made the decision to stay home when their children were young to leave a high powered career.
Then I met K who inspires me on a daily basis to enrich my life one step at a time. I'm not really sure where I would be today if I hadn't met her because she came into my life at a time when I really needed a friend with her personality and outlook on life to push me forward to keep the perspective facing the right direction. In the military world, it's not uncommon for a spouse to be unemployed, especially in her trained profession. And we were now, for better or worse, a military family. K has been invaluable at helping me stay focused on the positive side of this journey and not falling into the negativity that we can often find ourselves in.
I had high hopes of teaching. Before coming to Germany I had several interviews and really thought teaching would come to fruition, and maybe it will eventually, but not in the way I was headed last summer. Seeing that prospect dissolve, I decided I needed to find another means of staying tied to the legal community and started my legal blog. All of these ideas I had in my mind to better myself and push my career in a forward direction were much more overzealous than I had originally thought. Working pro bono is difficult without an already exisiting connection, legal writing is near impossible without access to a law library online or otherwise, and getting an advanced law degree here in Germany requires that my German be much more proficient. Ah, all these roadblocks I refuse to acknowledge, but nonetheless must accept...at least at this stage.
I suppose I focused on obtaining the baby steps of those goals with the hopes to maybe obtain them in the future. My legal blog allows me to write about legal issues without the necessity of case research from a law library. My German is getting better every day and I'm looking into taking a full immersion class this fall to push me toward bettering my proficiency, and maybe I'll finally reach out to the right person that has some pro bono work I could do from afar - you never know...
Instead, Big R and I began to realize that although I'm not working in my profession, in many ways, it's better financially for us to have me stay home while we're living overseas. It also frees up my time so that we can leave on a dime and travel without worrying about bosses or leave time, etc. And boy, have we LOVED all of our travel. Something else important that I have realized this past year is that I take much better care of my family when I take good care of myself. How many times do we say, "I just wish I had time to go for a good run or do yoga every day or read a book"? I know I said it endlessly, and now not only can I take the time, but I do.
Despite finding the right perspective and taking better care of myself, I have one constant challenge that I really need to work on: tackling the guilt. GUILT. What a horrible word. A friend of my says it'll take years off your life, and man, is she so very right. But I still feel it ALL THE TIME. It's horrible and stupid and something that I hope to push away. Where does this guilt come from? I'm sure I know, but I couldn't tell you if I tried. What I do know is that I base my daily worth on what I accomplish in my day. I rack up the points in my head as if it's some sick game that I'm playing with myself. I know this isn't healthy. I unnecessarily fill my life with busy-ness that gives me that horrible feeling of having no time and not enjoying the day-to-day awesomeness that life provides.
For example, the warm summer weather finally made its way back to Bavaria. This area is AMAZING when it's warm. All I wanted to do was sit on my porch with a cup of coffee and read a book. I had zero motivation to do little of anything else while little r was at kindergarten. Then after little r got home from school, we spent the afternoon at an outdoor swimming pool with friends. All this was happening while Big R was slaving away calling hostile witnesses for his next trial and preparing himself for depositions he has in the U.S. this weekend. Enjoying my day while Big R works so hard makes me feel guilty. Yes, this is a truly sick world we put ourselves into, and it's one I really need to change.
All that aside, this past year as a SAHM has allowed me to embrace the good things in life, especially being a mother. My respect goes out to all my other SAHM's because this job is no cup of tea. I would never trade back all the days I have spent with little r, but I know that my sanity has been tested numerous times and he continues to provide life with never-ending unpredictability.
It has also forced me to slow down and think outside the box as far as my career is concerned. This is the time in my life to be creative and try all those things I always thought I was interested in. It occurred to me awhile back that I didn't go to law school to practice law in the traditional sense in the first place. There were so many other reasons I put myself through that education. It was rewarding in many ways, so I'm trying not to overfocus on "not using it" and instead channel that focus into building myself into person that someone would want to hire to do the things I enjoy like consulting, advising, and writing. We'll see how that all goes when the time comes.
If I knew where life was going to take me perhaps I would have done things differently and maybe not picked a career that I was so sorry to leave behind, even if temporarily. But then again, it was life that took me on the course of obtaining my law degree and, of course, we cannot forget that I never would have met Big R if I hadn't decided that law was a career I wanted to pursue. No, I think the culmination of my life experiences have led me here and I believe that they will continue to take me to that place where I belong whether it's law or writing or teaching yoga or all of these things combined!
This past year has been a great year of reflection and growth for me. I might not be the financial hero of the household like Big R always thought I would be, but we are doing alright. He makes enough that we have a comfortable life and with a wife that doesn't have the stress of an overpowering job like his, we are able to keep balanced to enjoy our vacations and the few evenings we have together here in Bavaria. I think the universe knows what its doing. I'm going to try harder to trust it and myself. We have an awful lot of life left and I can't wait see where it takes us...
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